Jokes and Funnies

The following are some of my favourite email funnies that I've collected over the years. I hope you enjoy them.

Parent notes

The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices:

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Female Answers

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Hell of a Game

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks,'What took you so long?'

He replies,'Oh, honey, it was a horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!' She says,'Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!'

The husband replies, 'It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John